“She is just so generous with her time. It seems she is always willing to work with kids one on one after school and she is always volunteering to sponsor or chaperon youth activities. I don’t know her very well, but I appreciate her commitment to kids.”
Have you ever heard someone say something like this – or thought it yourself – about someone in your neighborhood, school, or community who seems like someone who just wants to help? Most of us have had this experience. This willingness to help and the real need in today's fast paced world for community support means that those who are willing to provide help at a moment's notice earn our trust really quickly. In short order, we don't give their offers of help a second thought - we just smile, say "thank you" and accept.
Even so, if you take a good look it is likely that you will also see there have been times when you had a concern about another adult’s relationship or interactions with children, but they were so nice, and such a willing volunteer, you overlooked your dis-ease with the situation? That dis-ease may be telling you something. It fact, it is possible what you were experiencing is one of the most effective tools that child molesters have in their behavioral arsenel―the ability to “groom” families and the community.
The grooming process includes the physical and psychological grooming of children but they are not the only targets of the predator. He or she needs to create an environment that allows for abuse to occur. So, they groom adults. One of the most popular and effective ways they do that is to convince parents, supervisors, and other adults that they are generous, kind people who genuinely care about children. Predators work hard to convince adults in a child’s life that all that matters is the best interest of the child and that the adult is only concerned with that objective.
Many abusers are caretakers of one sort or another and they often have jobs that give them access to children. They are skilled at developing loving, trusting, powerful relationships with children and sometimes filling emotional voids in a child’s home life. Potential molesters often develop a rapport with one of both of the parents. The objective is to gain the parents’ confidence and begin to break down any barriers to access to the child.
Child molesters create positions of power in their communities to gain access to children. They are masterful at manipulating the situation and drawing adults into their web of deceit. Adults who find themselves being seduced by the grooming tactics of a child molester are not bad people or stupid people―they too are victims of the abuser.
It is important that adults stay alert and maintain their observance of the behaviors of other adults in the environment. Child molesters are masters of manipulation and control. Noticing adults who seem to prefer being alone with children or young people rather than being with the other adults is a key element of our efforts to protect children from predators and maintain safe environments.
Be aware of people who repeatedly invite children to their homes – but never invite the parents. Take note of adults who hang around with kids all the time. For examples, at parties or events, they are with the kids all the time rather than the adults. They seem to prefer the company of children. Notice if an adult is always volunteering to help out―with babysitting, homework, school or church projects, and special events.
Does this mean that people who are work with and love kids are suspect? No, it means that when an adult repeatedly excludes adults from activities and seems to prefer being with children, other adults should notice the behavior and check it out.
Keep your eyes open. Tell a responsible person if an adults’ behavior raises concerns and if you suspect abuse, report to civil authorities. All the awareness in the world may not protect a child from being abused, but being oblivious, or failing to pay attention to the warning signs is an open invitation. By using our eyes and our reason, we have a real opportunity to stop abuse before it occurs.